


Big and Slippery

by Nemi_Almasy



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Misunderstandings, Oneshot, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 12:35:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12794697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nemi_Almasy/pseuds/Nemi_Almasy
Summary: When a varren is let loose in the cargo bay after the mission on Feros, Garrus calls Shepard down to help him wrangle it. Unbeknownst to either of them, Shepard's comm link is projecting to the entire ship.





	Big and Slippery

Feros had been a trying mission and, while it had gotten Shepard and her team results, it had also left her exhausted from her exchange with Shiala, the asari, and covered in green goo left behind by the Thorian creepers. So it was that her first order of business upon returning to the Normandy was to shower and change, finding herself refreshed, but still ready for a well-deserved nap.

Unfortunately for Shepard, there were no shortage of fires to put out as the commanding officer of her ship and, upon settling down on her bed, her comm link began to ring before she even had a chance to close her eyes.

Tempering her urge to respond impatiently, she answered the call with a calm and collected voice.

“Yes?”

“Uh, Shepard, could you come down to the cargo bay? There’s...a problem.” 

She was pleased to hear Garrus on the other end of the comm line, though she wouldn’t have admitted it out loud. Since the young turian had joined the crew, she’d found she enjoyed his company far more than any of the other new additions. Though she liked the ragtag team she had assembled, it was Garrus she felt unnaturally comfortable around, Garrus that she could vent to when a mission became particular frustrating. He had her back at every turn and had become an invaluable member of the team.

But he mostly kept to himself in the cargo bay, tinkering with the gun mechanics on the mako and occasional swapping stories with Wrex, the resident krogan. He rarely asked for assistance from Shepard in his work, though he never shied away from her when she joined him.

“Could you be more specific, Garrus?” Shepard asked.

“Well...there’s a varren in the cargo bay.”

“Excuse me?” She jumped up from her bed. “How?”

“I don’t know. I saw it dart out from behind the weapon bench and it ran to the other end of the bay and it’s hiding behind the food supply. Normally Wrex is down here and I’d just let him deal with it, but it’s just me right now and…”

“I’ll be down in a minute.” She smashed her fingers clumsily against the comm link to disconnect the line and headed for the elevator.

A varren in the cargo bay: not the worst possible scenario Shepard could envision, but certainly not the best. The tunnels in the colony on Feros  _ had _ been overrun with the things, she supposed it wasn’t impossible that one of them could have made its way into the ship somehow, but it seemed unlikely, especially given how long Joker had the bridge locked down during the attack by the crazed colonists.

Still, it was just one varren. No need to alert the entire crew; she and Garrus would deal with the animal. Tranquilizing it was preferable to killing it: Shepard didn’t like to kill when she could avoid it, and it wasn’t exactly this varren’s fault that it had wound up on her ship. Besides, she had killed plenty of them on Feros out of necessity, she didn’t need to add to that count.

It took a while to make it down to the cargo bay, thanks in large part to the obnoxiously slow rate at which the elevator moved; it was the one thing she hated about the otherwise state-of-the-art ship.

Once the elevator finally reached its destination and the doors slid open, she found Garrus standing by the mako wringing his hands and staring at the corner of the bay where the food supply cache was located.

“Any change?” She asked.

“No, it’s still hiding. I think it’s scared.”

“Well, we’ll just have to coax it out.” She came to a halt next to Garrus and peered at the corner. “It seems small from here.”

“It’s bigger than it looks,” Garrus assured her.

“Well, we better come up with a plan then.”

* * *

Upstairs on the crew deck and in the bridge, unbeknownst to Shepard and Garrus, their entire conversation was being transmitted across the ship-wide speaker system; Shepard had accidentally activated the projection setting on her comm link as she attempted to turn it off.

Kaidan sat next to Joker in the cockpit examining the display, but, upon hearing the conversation, looked up at the pilot with his head cocked.

“What, uh, what do you think they’re talking about?”

Joker, who was in fact responsible for the varren’s presence on board the ship, snickered and shrugged his shoulders. “Got me, lieutenant. The commander  _ has _ been spending a lot of time with Garrus though. They seem pretty close.”

“I noticed that too. But, uh…” Kaidan looked back to the display. “I’m sure it’s nothing like that.”

* * *

Back below deck, Shepard had grabbed a bit of dried meat from Wrex’s supply pack and was holding it out a safe distance from where the varren hid.

“C’mon little guy. Come out.”

Garrus cleared his throat, “I don’t think that’s how it works, Shepard.”

“Yeah? You ever handled one, Garrus?”

“Well...yeah, of course.” He shrugged. “You see plenty of them during routine military missions. Have  _ you _ handled one?”

“Oh, I’ve handled my share of them.” She rolled her eyes. 

Garrus made a sound from the back of his throat.

“What, you don’t believe me?”

He shrugged. “Well, you’re not doing a very good job of coaxing it out!”

“Well what do you want me to do? Just shove my hand in there and yank it out? I could get hurt.”

“ _ No _ ,” he replied firmly. “That won’t be pleasant for anyone.”

“Well, since you’re so proficient at handling these things, why don’t  _ you _ do something?”

“Because I needed your help! Why else would I have called you down here?”

“Do you think if I reach in and pet it gently it’ll come out? Sometimes they’re docile.”

Garrus snorted. “Why don’t you try?”

* * *

In the bridge, Joker was doing a poor job of suppressing his laughter, clutching the arms of his chair and squeezing his eyes shut as his body shook with the effort of not bursting into a fit of giggles. Besides him, Kaidan’s eyes grew wider and wider.

“What are they doing down there!?”

“You ever studied turian anatomy in military academy, Alenko?” Joker asked.

Kaidan looked affronted, and his cheeks flushed red. “What?”

“Well, you know...their...their junk it’s…” Joker struggled to speak as he tried not to laugh. “It’s inside of them. Until they get turned on, then it comes out.”

Kaidan’s face contorted in disgust. “You don’t think…?”

Joker shrugged and did his best to look innocent.

* * *

Shepard and Garrus had moved closer to where the varren hid behind the food supply while it stared at them with fearful eyes, its teeth bared.

“Come on. Come out, little guy. I won’t hurt you,” Shepard spoke in the most soothing tone she could muster. “Come on out...I can pet you...rub your little spikes.”

“Oh!” Garrus exclaimed. “It’s coming out! I can see its head!”

Sure enough, the varren’s head was peeking out from the corner of the supply. They held completely still as it stepped further out into the open, cautiously approaching them. Shepard’s arm was outstretched, holding the dried meat forward for the varren to take. When it was almost next to them, Garrus yelled,

“It’s out! GRAB IT! NOW!”

Shepard leaped forward with a grunt of exertion and launched herself on top of the varren. She had killed plenty of varren in battle: they were common collateral on colony planets, but had never actually touched one.

“Oh it’s kind of rough and moist…” She groaned as the creature struggled beneath her.

“I thought you said you’d handled one before?” Garrus cocked his head and watched her struggle without offering any help.

“Well maybe I lied! It’s almost sticky...what’s it got on it?”

“Natural coat of lubricant.” Garrus shrugged.

“ _ Why _ ?”

“Makes them harder to grip, I guess. I’m not a biologist, don’t ask me.”

“Well you should know, you’re such an expert.”

“Just keep a hold on it, would you, Shepard?”

“You could help me, you know!”

He laughed. “But it’s so fun to just watch.”

“It won’t stop writhing!” She cried.

“Try stroking it,” Garrus suggested. “Sometimes that calms them down.”

* * *

At this point, Kaidan’s face was bright red and Joker was doubled over laughing, tears streaming down his face as he clutched helplessly at the sides of the chair.

“Someone needs to tell her that her comm link is on!” Kaidan cried.

“Go ahead,” Joker cackled. “If you wanna walk in on whatever it is they’re doing, be my guest.”

The lieutenant stood uncertainly. “She’s our commanding officer! This is...no one needs to hear this. We owe it to her to tell her.”

Joker waved his hand in the direction of the elevator. “Be my guest.”

* * *

Stroking the varren had  _ not _ placated it and in fact had made it angrier so that it thrashed violently beneath Shepard’s grip. Garrus finally decided to help, seeing how much she was struggling, which led to the two of them effectively wrestling with the varren to get it to calm down, grunting and groaning with exertion.

“It’s much bigger than I expected it to be,” Shepard groaned as they successfully pinned it still for the third time.

“I  _ told you _ ,” Garrus hissed.

“Not a fan of these spikes, though.”

The varren reared its head and snarled and Garrus gave it a good kick to the skull, letting out a self-satisfied huff as the creature finally, mercifully fell unconscious. Shepard sat up and looked down at her freshly changed clothes now covered in the fluid that had coated the varren’s skin in a fine film.

“Eugh, this sticky stuff is all over me now!”

“It’ll wash out,” Garrus assured her.

“Thanks for the last minute help.” She let him help her up.

“Thanks for coming to help me with this problem,” he replied.

Suddenly, the elevator doors opened and a panic-stricken Kaidan came rocketing out into the cargo bay, eyes wide, face redder than a tomato.

“COMMANDER!” He skidded to a halt in front of Shepard, his eyes darting wildly between her and Garrus, then slowly drifting to the varren.

“What’s the matter, Alenko? You look pretty upset.”

Sudden relief seemed to wash over his face. “I, uh...wanted to tell you that your comm link is set to projection mode.” His face, if possible, grew redder.

Shepard looked down at her comm link, realized he was right, and quickly shut it off.

“So I guess everyone heard us wrestling that varren, huh?” She laughed.

“Well…” Kaidan tugged at his shirt collar. “Joker and I had thought it was...um…well he started telling me about turian anatomy and…” His eyes flitted briefly to Garrus before looking bashfully down at his feet. “We were worried something, uh, something else was…”

For a moment, neither Shepard nor Garrus understood the point Kaidan was trying to reach, then all at once it seemed to hit them both. Garrus snorted loudly and looked away from Shepard, mandibles flaring. Shepard simply stood with her mouth open for several seconds.

“Oh god. You thought…?”

“I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m…I’m going to return to my post.” Kaidan slinked away to save himself any further embarrassment. 

Shepard turned to Garrus, who was steadfastly refusing to meet her gaze. She recalled her alien anatomy lessons during military training, but she had never  _ seen _ a naked turian, nor was she extremely familiar with alien genitalia, besides asari, who she’d had her share of experience with.

“Is it...uh...did it really sound like…?” She stammered.

“In retrospect, yes.” Garrus moved over to the terminal next to the mako, still not looking up.

“Oh.” Was all Shepard could manage. Then she thought of Garrus naked, and her face grew warm. “I’m just going to…”

“Yeah, that would probably be good. Maybe we don’t talk about this for at least two days.”

“Agreed.”

“So...uh, anyway…”

Shepard turned away from him, cheeks tingling with embarrassment. “I should go.”

* * *

Back in the bridge, Joker laughed so hard he slid right out of his chair.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This was just a fun silly idea I got and it was fun to write. Hope you all enjoyed it!


End file.
